hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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