I accidentally burped into my bong.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
