what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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