She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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