remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
