my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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