we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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