if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
