By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
