If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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