i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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