i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
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I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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