Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
