Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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