Can Purell be used as lube?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
