I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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