I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
