Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
