You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
