Need sex. Gaining weight.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
