Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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