since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
