I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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