I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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