he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
