i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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