Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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