The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
two words...techno handjob
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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