I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
