I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
