I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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