my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
