can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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