I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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