when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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