I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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