i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
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The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
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You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist