Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
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so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
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I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Of course I have a pirate flag
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN