he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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