I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
