Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
