An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
