I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
