The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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