I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
