And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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