shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
