well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
