i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
