I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Randomize
