Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
