It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
