All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
