i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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