I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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