It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
